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I took a bath before i started working on this website again, its actually taking so long to finish since im not really pressured into doing this. Programming remained my hobby, and that is enough for me. I'm actually the only high-honor in my classroom and that was actually an achievement. Ever since I transfered to that school, I actually experienced something that I did not experience in my old school. Well, I was bullied before but it was still the same, but this time I beat the shit out of them, not literally. My old classroom used to be crowded with prodigies i cant compete with, "In a room full of geniuses I was just a commonperson." I actually read that line from a book, made me realize how unnoticed I have been before. But when my grades started to slip, they have actually come to notice me. I still remember a sentence they brought to my ears that day. "I don't want you to try, I want you to do it." Her tongue and attitude was sharp, I actually flinched. But when my current teacher congratulated me on my achievent, she said these words: "You should aim to be the highest honor next year." Obviously, I replied with: "I can't do it, i think this is how far i could go" And then she said the sentence I was not expected to hear, "You dont have to do it, but you can try." Damn, I'm lucky i got a downgrade, i felt human.

I live in the philippines, im a filipino. It has a correlation to what im about to say since philippines is a tropical country, when its summer you really get to have a demo of what its like to live in hell. And these days are actually rainy so idk man... im pretty happy about it... i hate admitting it but, i hate thunders, infact im actually scared of thunders. Yesterday, i think I made my mother cry. She found out that i flipped my father's picture so that i don't have to see his face. His picture was set up next to where im typing this right now so its pretty awkward working my shit while his face was next to me. If you dont know, i'm fatherless. And that picture was the only proper picture he has, He died when I was in grade 5 i think and from my point of view, he's an awkward guy thats why he doesn't really take a photo of himself. sorry pls dont haunt me but its really what i see in him but hes a good father, He's kinda strict and people believed that i got majority of his genes. Anyways, after i flipped the photo, my mom found out and she thought I hated him. Well to be honest, i have neutral opinions about the guy, hes a great father but you know... I actually... I dont feel like continuing elaborating about this... Everytime I get angry, I couldnt control what I was saying and last time I did, I kind of blamed him for the reason why were struggling... After all his side of the family is the reason why I'm on a breach of insanity. WEll... my mom's side is intolerable too but I live far away from them. His sister's son bullies and provokes me at every chance he got, but my mother keeps saying that were just "cousins" so you'll gonna get along some day. WEll... i don't feel like it, he made my whole school year crappy. (we were classmates because his mother accidentally picked the same major i picked, well i dont think its an accident, you just want me to be his guide or something. Which I did, I told them what he does to me at school but she just straight up ignored it and said "thats just who he is..." honestly, i felt bad for him since her mother actually gave up on giving a fuck about him. thats why he probably takes it out on me. Infact he actually did, He gets all smoochy with any girls in our school and he kept venting to those poor girls about the"abuse" he had to suffer at school. HE HAD TO MAKE SURE I CAN HEAR IT AND EMBARRASSED ME INFRONT OF THAT GIRL... im not really that embarrassed, he just told her about my crippling porn addiction... which i dont really give a crap about. first of all, hes actually right. I was mad because I had nothing else to say to him because he was right, I do watch those shit at my young age. When i watch pornography, its not like i jack off to it anyways. I haven't tried masturbating in my 15 years of living, I dont even have a dick. Plus, the girl he was talking to was the classroom's biggest men attention whore. She mooches off to any guys like literally and she talks shit about any women who dares to touch the guys she was close to. I want to mention the other things he mentioned but it includes private information about our family. The fact i did not even mention his full name was the least mercy i could give. Even if he did apologize, there are still alot of problems i had to face. He's not my only tormentor, but he is apart of the reason i want to kill myself. I dont really like ending my story just yet, humanity is way too stupid to not know what's on the other side. And for that reason, I'll stay alive. (this website isnt even finished yet...) If youre reading this: please take a photo of yourself, no matter how ugly you feel you are, so you can have a good funeral photo incase you died. Well if you really think you're ugly, well maybe you are. Your body and mind doesn't lie, thats why you use this oppurtunity to grow into an even better flower. And if you think you're pretty, ok then But never assume everyone else around you think you are. Dont be arrogant.

I cant believe I'm about to say this but... I actually cried today. Not because of anyone this time. I have never cried over a coding error or problem before but I'm embarassed to confess but I actually did cry about a coding problem. 3days ago, I added an Iframe to my website, I struggled alot because the text doesn't fit but I solved that problem by google. I always surf the web for help whenever i struggle with something. But while I was working on this journal, for some reason that code doesnt work. It got stuck. I was so pissed because I no longer wanted to stress about the same problem. I have a panic attack and forced myself to stop what im doing and sleep it out asap. So it works but youre gonna have to struggle scrolling because in this divider, there are currently 2 overflowscrollers stacking right now Please understand because I got real stressed about this fr lmfaoo... (i go to the same web where i got the code and pasted it again, but nothing really changed so obv the problem didnt got fixed. it must be something that I accidentally do but i did not know what it is. All i remember is that i erased a part of html and yeah im a little overdramatic but shout out to the people who endured it: my mother.) NOTE: THE PERIOD IN THIS FONT IS NOT REALLY VISIBLE SO MAKE SURE YOU BREATHE PROPERLY HAHA... edit: I added font-weight to the fella but its helping but not that much... (EDIT: 6/13/24 = I REMOVED "shadows into light" font because i struggle reading my writing with that font. IM ALREADY BLIND WITH ASTIGMATISM LMFAO i dont need to make my life harder... imma make it comic sans for shits and giggles)

I dont really plan on posting another entry today... I'm planning on drawing art for the website... but I keep getting flashbacks from memories I want to forget. This is kind of weird, and edgy but I'm being for real. I'm being haunted by the memories of my old decisions. This is gonna be long so its ok if you don't want to read. I'm not even expecting anyone to even read this in the first place, but deep inside, I want someone who is willing to read and listen to me, atleast 1 person would be fine. Ok so, my cousin. yes im mentioning him again because he is one of the root of my problems, and i wouldnt have met him if it wasnt for my mother marrying my father... and thats probably why i blamed him. You really can't get angry and blame a dead person so where should I let all my anger out? I have no one to listen to me, i have no allies other than myself, thats why I have to work harder than anyone else. Get all my grades intact, learning computer and programming incase I fucked it up, teach myself how to draw for a side job. Literally anything. The fact I would gladly become a prostitute too. All that just to make money and to get the fuck out of here. i want to be rich... To be honest, I've always wanted to become a programmer, just like my father. But seeing I'm still at this state even if he died, I know its futile. (Back when he was alive, we were still living in his parent's house.) We only got a house after he died because he doesn't wanna waste the money for his surgery. So as you can see, not only were broke, They were unfortunately blessed with an ungrateful daughter. I'm sorry but I don't want to live like this any longer. I don't want to die, I'm afraid of being tormented. I don't want to talk to this any longer so I'm gonna change the topic. Ok so my father's mom got 4 children, he's the second child. I want to talk about my uncle (4th child) with his spoiled little kid. I don't know how I should engage with this topic but basically I haven't gone outside becase of that little shit. That little shit and my cousin is the reason why I'm gay. thank you, can you pls greet me? its pride month jk... anyways not only I don't want a kid, but knowing that there are currently 4billion men in the world, its guaranteed that there are multiple men like him. It disgusts me, I hate men. Men are only attractive to me when theyre either fictional or gay.(I meant they look attractive, not that I'd date a gay men when im a lesbian lmfao) So recently my father's mother got a tv, its from her 3rd child. I just want to watch tv when this little brat screamed and started throwing a tantrum. Ofc I got mad and started screaming at her too, I just did ok... because all I want is to watch kdrama series on netflix and this kid is just simultaneously using both the tv and her little stupid tablet. I hate kids bruh... I support people who aborts people...so what if its murder? i would rather kill a child than killmyself for having to deal with this sigbean... i mightve just said that because im angry but i guess we'll never know. Ok back to my cousin, basically we once had a group project. We had to make a volcano. Since we can pick our team, obv he isnt included. I thought he was not gonna show up when I invited my friends to go work at the volcano, but he did. Unexpectedly, he complimented the volcano and I was suspicious. My suspicions were right, when we submitted the volcano, he started vandalizing it with his friends. I was so pissed I screamed at the top of my lungs, my teacher tried to stop me but how could I stop when they kept provoking me. Their volcano didn't exploded and ours did... thats why we scored higher than his team... i guess thats what you call karma? well to be honest, not really since he kept pouring other chemicals in it, thats why it probably didn't explode. I guess yeah... toodles for now... if anyone who knows me irl: sorry... i guess you dont really know me that much yet. If anyone asks me to remove my entries, no I will not remove it. edit: holy shit should I get checked for adhd?

HEllo... its been a while since I added something here (literally 5 days which is a big deal since it took alot of self control...) I'm a pretty talkable person with an unlikeable tongue. If I use my criteria of what its meant to have a friend, currently... I have no friend. The only thing I have are people who talk to me... A friend in my term is someone who likes me and only me. My mindset is kinda fucked up but its what makes it me. I hate it when I'M not really the first thing that comes to mind when they said friends. They always have someone closer to me, no matter how I try to humor them. I'm jealous, I'm jealous of someone who doesn't linger these thoughts. I'm envious of people who have friends who thinks deeply and sacrifices things for them, like family. But I don't know what that means because my current family situation is dead. I actually loathe them. I'm being serious. My little pony is actually my childhood show but when I watch that series, it just cringes me out. Because I can't relate to anything twilight ever spouted in her mouth except that scene before she arrived at ponyville... I want to be someone they only care about. I'm selfish and an envious freak. I cant help it, its just my nature to be ungrateful. It just reminds me of that one time there was a valentines day event at my school, we entered a random luckfortune typa shit....its where someone will give you advices, and the possible situation about our future. I pulled out a paper, she asked: "Do you have any friends?" I stood there, silently. And my "talkmate" goes : "Arent we your friends?" I smiled and replied with "sure" The girl behind that desk that divides us is confused but went along with it anyways. She said that anyone I met will be my true friends. To be honest, thats ridiculous. At first, I know this is just some entertainment scam... To gather funds for the school, people will forget about it anyways.. But how about me? I even remembered the shape and the width of the plate I used to eat on when I was on daycare... I have photographic memories that became my blessing and my curse at the same time. I struggle forgetting memories, whether its traumatic or the happiest moments of my life, which is nothing because theres nothing joyous in this life. Oh to be honest... If youre reading this, I was originally gonna talk about my self talk problems... I kept talking and laughing to myself as if I was talking to someone. THIS HABIT IS SO WEIRD... I MUSTVE PICKED UP ON IT WHEN I GOT SO LONELY... back when I was alone in that house for 3 weeks... i think? but yeah... My father's mother got injured because she slipped, so theyre in the hospital to take care of her... So I was alone in that roof... My mother has work and the rest of them basically went somewhere else since its vacation at that time... so yeah... I probably picked up on it. I can't control my voice because of it, when I laugh it comes out weird because no one else would hear it anyways since im alone all the time... so thats why people think im noisy and loud... and yeah.. I do agree... I don't know what to say anymore... My reactions are very loud and thats something I struggle to control, I get angry very fast,I flinch easily, i LAUGH loudly, emotions quickly etches up my face and I can't help but show empathy to anything as long as i heard their side... I'm trying my best to improve the way i act but nothing will change if no one talks to me, nothing will change if no one cares about my feelings and my side. I really wanted to have a friend thats only mine and takes me as a priority... I hate it when they greet someone else when I'm already here... Im selfish! Im spoiled! let me be that way. Let me get what I want.

Hello. So like uhh to be honest I dont know where to start... I don't even feel like typing an entry today... I asked myself: "Why don't you feel like writing your thoughts today? Is it because today is a normal day for you? or is it because you ignore all the good events coming in your life and focusing only at the bad ones..." I'd admit today is a good day, If I didn't say that to myself, i wouldn't have written this right now. self talking helped me through my terrible times, I can only trust myself. Basically I was supposed to write this yesterday but because of what I overheard, I had no other choice but to pretend to be asleep and pretend nothing happened. I mentioned my cousin(the kid one) tormenting me, which is pathetic because why would I overthink what a kid has said to me. Yesterday, I did nothing but slept all day and so my mother naturally thought I was asleep... to be honest I don't know how to explain the situation but I want you to understand ok? That little shit and my father's mother decided to asked for a bag because the little shit and her family wanted to go on a silly adventure... They welcomed themselves in, obviously... But before that, I'm staying at a 2 story house with thin walls so not only they didn't know I was awake, they also didn't know I can overhear them, I can hear them entering tho... So back to the story. They asked for a bag, my mother came to look for it but I feel like she didn't even tried looking for it because I can feel that she's tired of their shit, she doesn't look like it but trust me. They usually took it everytime she uses it to put our clothes in the laundry so she used plastic ever since, basically she had no idea of what the fuck theyre talking about or why are they even entering... She knew I complained about them overstaying their welcome thats why she tries her best to prevent them from entering, but if they didn't get her hints... its not her fault lol. My father's mother understood that she didn't find the bag and left but that little shit decided to stay to play with my sister. My mother decided to scold her about her personality, she also scolded my sister too. She told them to stop being such a bitch (she said it in a more nicer term! she didn't straight up said to stop being such a bitch ok?) Ofcourse, I could overhear them all this time, that brought me to tears actually. I didn't mentioned this in my past journal but a long time ago, she told me that: "If they kept on bullying or showing you a nasty personality, give them the same energy... I'll allow you to fight back aslong as the authority didn't see it so that they don't have an evidence." Ever since she said that, I respected her lmfao... Even if we did fight, that could never make me take it back. I'm gonna pay her tenfold of what shes done to me... (maybe? I didn't make a promise that I'd really do it but If I can, I would.)

Today is acTUALLY father's day... dont ask me how I know... I dont really care about events like these... I don't really need to celebrate father's day because I don't even have one to celebrate it in the first place. But If I don't let all my anger out in this entry, i'm gonna relapse and cut my wrist again. I'm gonna ruin my 2 week streak. Ok so... Yeah I'm gonna remind you again that I have good memory, I remember anything despite it being good or not. So I easily get flashbacks of my past memories. So currently I'm experiencing it now and I'm having a major pstd attack. So last christmas... (yeah that far) The family, is organizing a celebration (because its christmas obviously) I wanted to get along with them. So I joined in on the celebration. I think its my fault because I wanted to be friendly with them I told them a secret that I have a crush. WEll I dont really find him attractive (hes kinda ugly to other ppl), he just looks good when I hit him... It kind of turns me on when people have a good reaction when I hit them. One time I swayed both of his hands away, and it turns out he was hiding the fact that his uniform ripped open and his underwear is visible. Its COLOR BLUE!! WAIT IM GONNA GET THE EXACT HEX COLOR. #A4BBE0 im sorry this is so perverted. I only had a crush on him a while ago and HE WAS actually the last guy I had a crush on. He sweats alot, hes playful, kinda athletic, hes kinda stupid but listens alot, he tries his best in academic but hes kinda stupid. HES THE OPPOSITE OF ME (not to flex but i do get good grades and I'm not the most athletic person out there) There was one time where he got tickled and he kept whimpering and shivering like he got penetrated and ITS LIKE I GOT A BONER WITHOUT A COCK... not to mention they were holding and pinning him down in the table. I'm sorry again. Anyways, I lost interest in him ever since he started provoking me. I kept beating the shit out of him but it doesnt feel good anymore... hes not the guy i liked anymore. He had a crush on that male attention whore whos dependent on men (I mentioned her on 6/6/24 entry) THAT TURNED ME OFF BECAUSE HE JUST LOST HIS CHARM... I kind of see him as a delinquent but at the same time he isnt. But now he is after he started hanging more with the wrong crowd. I like women. I like my girlfriend, but she doesn't know were both inlove. And yeah after I told them about my crush, they immediately told my mom after she asked "what are you guys talking about" I FELT SO BETRAYED. this situation is the type of situation that should be laughed about but currently, im kinda mad that they broke my trust. IM not telling them anything next time... my pstd might have some sort of trigger, and i actually calmed down when they stopped being noisy... (we live in a compound and since like I mention, the house has thin walls, i can hear them laugh and talk random shit AND THAT PISSED ME OFF SO BAD. NAVERMIND THIS IS SUCH A STUPID THOUGHT LMFAOO... so what if theyre having fun? i dont give a fuck about it. But can they atleast shut the fuck up? ABOUT MY MOM and the family's reaction: my mom said she was fine with it, having a crush is normal according to her aslong as you don't date someone yet (i feel like im gonna ignore that lmfaoI wanna date someone while im still in school) And the family was confused at first, I would be lying if i said they didn't know me. Because their first thought is "I've always thought that you're into women" and yeah I do after you told my mother about him wtf? (Now that i think about it, i forgot that guy's name... i only call him by his last name lmfao)

Its been a while since I added a new entry here... So I'm gonna tell you about my day. All I did in vacation is write strips of html code and making websites from free webhosters everyday under a month. Its really nice but actually I'm actually planning to change my major course in highschool, I picked SMAW last year because I have no other choice but now I decided to get CSS course for this new school year.... I only ended up picking SMAW because Its the only open major left and I never had experience with welding, no other choice but to learn right? But its considered a really shitty major because of the students... no wonder why its the only open major left... its usually because all the people who hasnt enrolled yet are immediately added in that major, including people who have shitty grades and delinquents... so it has a bad reputation. the fact I'm stuck in that section for another year makes my stomach growl, not because of hunger.. I'm gonna starve myself I'm gonna relapse. I'm gonna cut myself... So im gonna explain how I got into that major for this new school year: Basically when I was enrolling last year, the teachers comforted me that you can change it for next year... But the principal changed and now Its not allowed...I'm stuck with SMAW and I havent even tried welding last year, how am I gonna escape this fate. I tried my best to avoid welding, I dont think I can endure another year... My cousin is literally my classmate I'm gonna start barfing I'm gonna slit my wrist... infact I'm gonna do it now I dont care if im overreacting. IM supposed to feel this way. this is the most natural and calm reaction for this situation. I was supposed to say that today is a good day but it seemed like my bad thoughts corroded my head instead... Basically theres this girl... we have the same interests but for some reason, ii dont share her humor and... yeah shes not a terrible person but i feel awkward around her... she just doesnt make me laugh as hard as my seatmate. (if youre reading this, i think youre a cool person but you need to be as crazy and mentally ill as me to get to know me better)... I promised that we'd go to css together but the truth is, im doubting my decision... I want to have css as my major but it would be lonely without my seatmate... i feel comfortable around her because she's just as crazy as I am but at the same time i dont feel any remorse leaving her because im envious of her other friends... theyre very close... its just sad... and im so pathetic for feeling this way... But when I realized that changing hs major is no longer allowed, I was weirdly calm. "thank god shes still my classmate" is it really weird for this exact message to be my first thought? I dont know I feel weirdly happy... I think Im just gonna hope I wont die from misusing the welding machine.